He knocked on my university dorm room, I was studying wearing the ugliest 10 years old joggers, you know, the ones you would never be caught dead in but are perfectly worn out and comfy. Even my family had tried to throw them out after doing the laundry…yep, it was bad. I shouldn’t have opened the door but I was curious, who in the world wanted to talk to me today, I was in my dorm room studying. It was him. I did not know him yet, nor did I know the love we would have, nor the emotions and pain we would experience together and apart.
If you had asked me when I was in high school, which guy I wanted to spend my life with, never in a million years would I have imagined him. I didn’t even know his country existed…Tunisia, (yep you can check the world map, I did, like I’m certain most of my family and friends have too) or knew nothing about his culture. So you can imagine the acceptance, understanding and growing pains we both endured along our path.
All this to say that sometimes you don’t really realize how you are living, until, you meet someone who is totally different then you who pushes you outside your comfort zone and makes you understand some important love lessons.
Strength lies in differences, not similarities.
Stephen Covey.
In the spirit of love, V-Day or being happy in your relationship, I wanted to share some of the important lessons I have learned from my relationship. I’m no love doctor but we all want loving relationships. So this is what I have learned these last 12 years that has helped me become a happier, stronger and more confident women.
So here we go to feeling our best self…
1. Live Your Life for YOU.
How many times do you do things because it looks good on the outside or because you don’t want to offend others or because you feel like you need to stay the same because that’s who you were? People are like plants, we are constantly growing, learning and adapting to our environments. So don’t expect to stay the same person you were at 12, then 24, then 45, even in your relationship … so please please stop being a people-pleaser like I was and start living your life for YOU. In the end, that’s all that matters anyways.
I was constantly worried what everyone else would think, I could not even make a decision without consulting with family members. HE taught me to think for myself. How? By giving him answers right away. What do you want? It wasn’t a tv game show moment where your life pauses while ‘’you can call one person for advice’’. No, maybe because he always knew what he wanted so obviously my hesitation was an annoyance. I have learned to simply trust my gut in those moments of doubt which has made all the difference in helping me decide what to do, what to choose in that moment.
2. Always be Sincere
Don’t say things you don’t mean or do things you don’t believe just to be accepted. Always stay true to your words and consistent in your actions and gestures. Love and enjoy what you are doing, this shows your true nature. Only make promises that you intend on keeping. Sometimes we are too polite, saying yes when deep down our inner voice is yelling ”what are you doing or I don’t agree”. When you do what you really want to do then you are being authentic.
3. Arguing is Healthy
I always thought that a couple who didn’t argue was in a healthy happy relationship. Honestly, I rarely saw my parents argue and the few times they did (well in front of us that is) I was immediately overcome with anxiety, stress, fear and frozen like a deer in front of headlights! I disliked to my core conflict and chaos and would never associate with someone that was ‘’dramatic’’. That is actually funny now because HE has what is known as ‘’a choleric temperament’’. HE has an automatic survival instinct when it comes to dealing with problems and frustrated individuals. He is calm when the storm hits and focuses on finding solutions instead of me who used to dwell on the problem. This change of perspective has made such a difference in how we are both living and deal with conflits.
4. Show Daily Acts of Love.
Being the affectionate man that he is…which I attribute to cultural differences for this one. Everyday he tells me he loves me and/or hugs or kisses me. These small gestures are incredibly important, think about it, what if your parents never hugged you or told you they loved you….it would have made for some self-conscious and insecure kids. Daily acts of love breathes comfort, happiness, security, care and reduces anxiety.
If that isn’t your style then what we also do is once in a while we remind each other of what we love the most about one another…and yes it makes us smile and is actually so lovely to hear. This brings us back to the beginning, to the fire and spark that brought us together. Keep that fire burning however you can…
5. Communication is Everything!
Oh, this is a big one for me!
I am a true introvert and he was, well passionately outspoken. The first few years together we didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things. Being an introvert, I had constant dialogues in my head. HE would stay for hours with me to get me to open up but I never realized how speaking my mind and communicating my concerns was like walking into a brick wall….yep it was that difficult. All I have to say is……practice, practice and practice. If there is one thing to remember, it’s that this is the most important key in a healthy happy relationship. HE was relentless in getting me to talk about everything. When we disagreed that was when we had our best conversations. In those moments, we learned incredibly from one another as we listened and asked questions to better understand our different point of views.
Until we learn to read each others thoughts, communicating is the best medecine for relationships. Learn to talk about the great, the good, the bad and especially do not be afraid to talk about the ugly.
I grew up where the men were taught not to show any ‘’feminine’’ emotions, no tears, no lovey dovey talk and especially no talk about our fears and insecurities.
Well, HE came from a culture where men were emotional. He would tell me everything, even past girlfriends which I thought was a nono in relationships but he was all in. When things were tough, that was when he would insist that we talk it out, lay it all on the table. Never going to sleep angry (hello 3 am talks!). It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, as it never came naturally. But it is incredibly liberating and feels so good to be able to let things out. Like becoming a rag doll that’s shaken of her thoughts. Like cleansing your body of your thoughts, evacuating the toxins of hidden desires.
Someone close asked me once ”well what if the other doesn’t talk”, well it takes baby steps, think layers, you warm them up by talking and slowly asking non intrusive questions WITHOUT JUDGEMENTS and hopefully eventually (like I did) they start getting used to it and feel safe enough to communicate with you, opinions and all.
6. Set Untouchable Priorities
This was critical to our relationship. What you value should be mentioned and clearly stated in your relationship. Like any plans, a relationship should not be a go with the flow. That is uncertain and can create a lot of stress and misunderstandings. So we told each other a few things that were non-negotiables and absolute must-haves that were untouchable priorities kinda like a make it or break it in our relationship. This helps to set your standards and expectations. You can always negociate if you disagree on one… Honestly, I have felt 1000 times better and happier knowing what we expected from one another.
For example: Some statements might sound like ”I will never do this….or don’t expect me to do this… or I absolutely need to be with someone that also wants to do this …. or I’ll continue doing this….
7. Tip Well
Don’t be so cheap you cannot tip for great service. How you treat anyone and everyone says a lot about someone’s character. HE has taught me to tip according to the service and voice concerns or praise when necessary. This makes everyone a better place because of it.
8. Be Spontaneous
“Let’s go away for the weekend, sure, I’ll change my appointment.’ Learning not to overthink things and a few logical excuses has never made for a very good story or memories. Work hard, play hard. Life has to be a balance of both to find true happiness and wellness. I have learned to say yes on many occasions especially because of some amazing limited time deals. All the while feeling nervous and thinking of a million reasons why saying no would be more resonable. HE was asking me to step outside my comfort zone of planning and routine. Honestly, this had made our relationship such a fun adventure since we can never really say what we will do next month. It gets our adrenaline going which is extremely important to keeping the spark alive ….no need to jump off a plane for that.
9. You can negotiate anything.
That being said, HE is a charming and salesman through and through (you know those North Africans are so good at selling!), HE taught me that anything in life can be negotiated. Never settle for what someone tells you is true because most of the time you can ask for something better for you. It also establishes respect.
Never take what someone tells you for gold, do you own research. Never be afraid to ask for what you truly want.
10. Dance in the kitchen
This is basically us being silly and romantic. We love music and we love to dance. So whenever a good song is on our ”mini google home” speaker, he takes me in him arms and we dance in our kitchen. I love this moment. I can kiss those awkward high school dances goodbye. Yes, it is romantic but without all the roses and sweets and gifts, just us two looking into our eyes and smelling our necks (haven’t you heard that we are attracted to our spouse smell?), fingers interlaced together. This is us. As adults, we are often much too serious, so do something that makes you smile and a little embarrassing is even better.
Let me know what you do to keep that lovely fire burning bright in your relationship.
Happy Valentine’s Day Friends.
Color your style, color your food, color your life!
Christiane xxx