Last updated on August 7, 2018
I never thought I would feel this way.
What will everyone think ?
Maybe this is normal.
Am I the only one feeling this way?
How could a mother possibly think this way?
I thought about writing this post after my son was born over 2 years ago but never had the courage to do so. It scared me, it made me sad, it confused me, I felt ashamed. I kept thinking of the judgements, but even worst I would judged myself for having these thoughts. It made me cry. After all, ever since I was a young girl having children was an obvious decision « of course », how could a woman not want to have one. I actually wanted a few kids, I loved seeing pregnant women and thought mothers with young kids was incredibly beautiful. It made me happy, it made me smile. I was one of those women (pre-motherhood) that would be shocked when another person would mention that they had no interest in having kids, or maybe only one but that would be it. I would judge them and try to find out why, why oh why didn’t they want any children, that wasn’t normal? Wasn’t it the normal progression to have a child after school and/or post secondary education, marriage and having a career?? So I was surprised, when I didn’t actually love being pregnant. It felt weird to lose (to a certain point) control of my body and the thought of having a human being inside me was a little bizarre and freaky (I kept referring to it as the little alien inside me but that was probably having been tramautized by the 80’s-90’s Alien movie series with Sigourney Weaver when aliens would burst out of their stomachs!).
When I was pregnant, every single person would tell me how I would feel and how it would be, such as « It is challenging, you will never sleep again, it’s a lot of work but you will love every moment…, you will forget about the pain when you see your baby, I would not change a thing ». However, I did not expect it to be the most difficult, dark, emotionally draining and one of the most lonely times of my life. I have tears just trying to go back to those first few months of motherhood as I am writing this post trying to explain my experience. It scares the hell out of me posting this today as I don’t even know if I have ever truly told anyone about it, I don’t remember.
I was ashamed and embarrassed that I did not feel like everyone expected me to feel, happy. Our society projects becoming a mother like the best feeling in the world….for me, well, this wasn’t the case. Some of you will be find my truth horrible, others that know me will be shocked by this revelation as people have always seen me as sweet, calm, patient and motherly. I was afraid of opening up and actually writing this post to the world as others can be cruel and judgemental for feeling different about what has been categorized as #momlifeisthebestlife. At the time, giving birth and becoming a mother truly did not feel that way, it was actually the opposite for me.
So…judge me if you will, understand me if you can, this is something real that I’ve discovered over time a lot of new mothers go through but rarely speak about it.
« Nothing beautiful comes without some suffering. »
Archbishop Desmond Tutu
My Story :
Let me clarify first that I have always wanted children and had this image of how motherhood would be for me. Happy children, happy mom, doing a lot of activities, baking together, bringing my child everywhere with me, loving every moment even though I knew I would probably never sleep again. This was how my mother, or at least the memories of my mother, was when I was a child. I had the perfect loving mother that made us (my brother, my sister and I) feel important. Naturally, I wanted to give my future children the same fun loving childhood. I love my child but how I felt and envisioned motherhood before and after was a completely different experience. Even though I had read many books about how and what to do with a newborn, the reality was very new to me.
When Sasha was born, we were both healthy and he was a very good baby, not a crier but would wake up every 3 hours for months. I should have been the happiest mom in the world that we were both healthy…but I couldn’t shake the feeling of deep sadness. When I gave birth, what I felt did not feel normal, I felt incredibly sad for my baby. It was not an “I am so happy to see you but instead it was an what have I done to you, I am so sorry that you had to leave your peaceful sanctuary in my belly safe & away from this world”. I couldn’t shake that feeling and thought for weeks! I felt this deep sadness for my son. Was this normal post birth hormones and part of the baby blues that usually happens after giving birth? I didn’t know since I was to ashamed to talk about it. After all, no one enjoys talking about the “darkness” and troubling times in their lives.
I felt that being born in our air was both frightening, cold and tramautizing for a newborn. The first day I could hear his heart racing at a thousands beats a minute. It worried me. My midwife checked his oxygen levels which were normal and said that he was trying to adjust to this new environment, this new life. I felt even worse ! He was trying to survive in our world which had obviously tramautized him. It did not help that I had read that a baby is only emotionally ready to be born after 12 months of pregnancy (this is why they basically only eat, sleep and poop without interactions the first 3 months). However, due to a womens body, a baby has to come out around the 9 month mark.
I felt scared, going home 2 days later with a baby, my first one, it was scary ! Will I know what to do ? I can’t believe this baby is mine. Entering as a couple and leaving as a family of 3 is an incredible moment. It was such a strange feeling. I was leaving with the most important responsability of my life, raising a healthy, balanced and happy child. This was not an easy task. I couldn’t simply try, I wanted to do it right to keep him safe and alive.
I know this must sound crazy and maybe normal to some or most mothers but while my partner was all smiles, I was terrified. I felt even worst when he would ask me a few times a week, « are you happy ? » « isn’t this the best thing ? » his eyes shining bright. I would remain silent not able to answer, then he would insist I reply with a worried look and I would burst into tears and tell him « no… ». Obviously, I tried to explain to him so that he wouldn’t think he was with a horrible mother and crazy person. So I said… « I don’t go out, I don’t sleep, I am exhausted, I cannot cook or clean…the place is a mess, all I do is breastfeed and change diapers, my breasts are sore, I still look 4 months pregnant, my regular clothes don’t fit, I don’t socialize with adults and it’s always dark,…so I am sorry if this is not the best thing in my life !» He did the only thing a man could do at that moment, he smiled, held me in his arms and asked what he could do to help.
I had Sasha at the beginning of December in Montreal, the start of the coldest months of the year, winter was setting in. Winter’s here can be brutal, we hardly see the sun, sometimes for weeks, and that winter was cold.
I had looked up the symptoms on postpartum depression but it didn’t really fit with how I was feeling. I was actually so exhausted that I slept well between feedings. I enjoyed taking care of my son but felt like I was drowning, had no help and had lost my identity. I understand now that it was probably the « baby blues » which affects about 80% of new moms, but for me, it lasted about 3 months instead of a few days or weeks. During that time, it felt like I was drowning in darkness and would never see the light. I love my son and my motherly instincts kicked in from the start. That’s great, “so what’s the problem” you might think. It is the scary thoughts and doubts that you have about everything in your life since everything changes the second that your first child is born. Is this really the life that I choose for myself ?, maybe I made a mistake and actually did not want to be a mother, were the worst ones. These thoughts were very frightening to me as I had never ever in a million years expected to have them.
The truth is that becoming a mother, for me, was incredibly lonely. I should have insisted on getting more help but being the shy introverted person that I am, I didn’t, so I felt into a deep loneliness that lasted for weeks. I felt like a lot of people dissappeared from my life as soon as I had a baby since I was on maternity leave and incredibly tired to do anything else then stay at home.
While Kais went to work, that first week I did not go out at all. I was terrified of going grocery shopping with my baby. What would I do if he cried and needed to be feed in front of everyone. It made me so anxious that I would send Kais for me. I hibernated, stayed in my pyjamas 24/7 and did not see anyone. The only adult interaction during the day was when I Facetime my mom (my family lives accross the country in Alberta). The most difficult part in all this was that I felt alone, no one came to help me, no one came to visit me. I remember one day, I craved normal adult interaction that I called or texted every single person on my phone that lived in or close to Montreal asking them if we could meet…basically if they could come for a visit. « Yes, no, I can’t this week… » came and went, some said yes but the weather was bad (it was winter) so they finally all cancelled. In the end, no one came. Obviously, most people worked, has their own schedule and were dealing with their own s*#t. So I did not insist and felt even worst and solo alone. I wanted to go back home and be with my family in Alberta. I finally did go for Christmas when Sasha was 11 days old and stayed for 8 weeks which helped for a bit then when I came back to Montreal, it was still winter, it was still difficult.
Motherhood for me, those first 3 months were the most challenging time of my life. I felt like my life was better, more fun and healthy before having a child. Would I ever be the same again ? I used to judge women that did not want to have kids, how could they, it is the most beautiful thing in the world !! Well, now I understand why some individuals do not want to have kids and should not have kids. Honestly, it is not for everyone and I would never ever tell someone that they were missing out if they showed no interest. Having a child is hard, you have to think of you baby’s well-being every single second, all day, everyday, even when you are not with him or her you are still thinking about them and once you have one, you cannot go back and change your mind.
Motherhood has dramatically changed my perspective on what it takes to be a mother. Now, I would never encourage another woman to have a child (if not particularly interested) after actually having one. For me, it took a lot of mental strenght to get myself out of this darkness and into the light.
I don’t want to scare you (especially if you do want children, heck, I still want more, haha!) this is only me sharing my own experience which was unexpected and essentially difficult because I felt alone and overwhelmed. They say it takes a village to raise a child and I truly believe it!
Why should you care ?
Honestly, because I know now that I am not alone. We all love to share our special and happy moments, especially with our easy access to social media but when the dark ones emerges, we often hide it and pretend everything is fine and just smile.
What has helped me.
At the time, I needed to hear from other mothers that had a similar experiences with not being happy about their new motherhood life. One day I went on google and tried to search different keywords to find young mothers that had similar feelings or experiences with a newborn. Let me tell you that there were very few, as most cases are usually about postpartum depression.
Recently, there has been only a handful of mom bloggers that have opened up about this feeling of not loving this so called best time of their life. The following 2 bloggers have shared their experiences on their blogs. I am forever grateful to them as they have given me the strength to share my own experience. In February 2016, I finally found a mom blog (I was also looking for stylish mom blogs as I did not want to be a « let yourself go because you have a baby and are majorly sleep deprived »). It was like the darkness dissapeared. Shannon, from Itsy Bitsy Indulgences, a new mom and fashion blog had her first baby only a few months prior to Sasha. One day she wrote about a motherhood update and commented that she was not certain that she liked being a mother. Honestly, that post saved me, made me smile and gave me strength. You can read it here. Since then I have found another mom/fashion blogger that has shared similar experiences and also encourages mothers to talk more openly about having these feelings here and here. It might sound silly but this gave me the courage to share my story (and also to start blogging), letting other mothers-to-be or new mothers know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE in feeling this way.
It was at the 4 month mark when my son made his first sound that everything started to change and I finally left the darkness.
Now that I am expecting my 2nd child this week, I already have my mother who has flown in to help while I get my strenght back and rest with my new little baby. Honestly, I am a little anxious because I truly hope that I will not have the same feelings this time around. My midwife says that it should be easier psychologically since I know how to give birth and what to expect.
What you can do to feel better quicker
The best way to get through the first 3 months with a newborn (which are truly the most difficult) is to ask for help from family, friends, co-workers, neighbors and other loved ones.
What others can do to help you feel better
Most importantly, it is to let everyone know that being available to a new mom is the best feeling in the world and extremely important for her sanity. Most people tend to shy away if they are not immediate relatives as they do not want to disturb the mom.
So read carefully as this is an important message.
I agree that new mothers might not want 2 hour visits (sorry we are very tired) but even a 15 minutes drop-by to bring her something useful (such as food) or simply to help do some chores around the house. However, do not expect her to get up and chat with you as she might need to sleep when the baby is sleeping. So whatever you do, do not take this personally. Simply leave her a note before leaving this way she will know what you did while she was resting.
The important thing is to be specific when you are offering her help after she has the baby. How many times have I heard « let me know or call me anytime if you need anything » which in the end, you do not do or don’t really know what to ask from them or when you do, it doesn’t fit in their busy schedule.
Here are some useful suggestions :
Think of the person’s abilities.
a great baker or cook you can ask them to prep you a meal,
a coffee drinker you can ask them to get you a drink for the day when you actually need to go out (for appointments but advise them in advance),
for someone that enjoys taking photos, then ask them to take a mini photoshoot of you and/or the baby
a hairdresser or someone that loves to style others, even simply styling your hair can make you feel better some days
a healthy friend can bring you that smoothie you’ve been craving of make you an amazing salad
someone that’s good at giving massages, well that’s pretty obvious why you would need it
someone that can do a chore for you such as pick up your groceries, do your laundry, wash your dishes, pick up your mail, call for an appointment, pay some of your bills (or help with any other paperwork), get more diapers, and the list can go on…
Text her the first few weeks, (text first as we might be sleeping so wait until we reply then ask if you can call) simply being available to talk for a bit so we can have an adult conversation is such a life saver !!
These are all ideas that I believe can be very useful to new mothers. If you have other suggestions then please leave me a comment below in this post.
Having a good support system is so important for anyone and especially to new mothers.
So let’s not do it alone.
Christiane xxx
Color your style, color your food, color your life!